It Strikes Again...

We know that Autumn has a wicked sense of humor. It definitely struck again yesterday, around dinner time. We also know that she does weird things with her food. She'll turn her nose up at the simplest, yummy things that normal kids eat...and then turn around and mix crap that should never be mixed.

Example? Rosemary garlic bread with strawberry juice/fleshy bits rubbed all over it, topped with mashed potatoes, ham chunks, and some shredded cheese. All of these were components of her dinner, but we certainly didn't intend for her to mix them this way, take a bite, and then actually enjoy it.

My mom said, "Autumn, maybe you should be a chef when you grow up!"

Autumn responded, "What's a chef?"

"A chef is someone who makes food for people, they mix things up like you just did," said my mom.

Autumn declared, "Yes, I'll be a sandwich maker when I grow up!" (As a side note, I hope for her that she's a fancy sandwich maker, gourmet sandwiches or something...not a Whopper flopper.)

We all snickered at her decision; it changes weekly with her. Last week she wanted to be a "tractor girl" because Papoo (my dad) was taking her on tractor rides in the yard.

"What will you call that sandwich?" I asked, pointing at that nasty piece of bread.

Autumn paused--probably for the drama and suspense because we knew her answer would be a good one--and said...

"A Hamster!"

She even felt the need to explain, "It's because it has ham on it!" Oh, sweet Auttie Girl. :)

New Career Path

Autumn announced today that she wants to be Santa...for a very simple reason, of course. He gets to eat cookies and milk all the time.

Yep, that is my girl!

Italian Anyone?

Autumn built a tower of gift boxes today. She called it the "Leaning Tower of Pizza."

New Word Alert!!

Her independence, her free spirit, her way of thinking, her sass...her point of view, her want-it-now, her want-it-my-way... All of these things I love about my child. They often turn into points of contention or a battle of wills, or a debate...sometimes a deal-making. I parent differently than a lot of people I know. She's more spoiled than most kids, but also more grateful than most. She gets away with a lot more than most kids, but she also knows right from wrong and most of the time, she doesn't repeat words or actions when I tell her not to. She's got a pretty mean stink eye, and when she puts her hands on her hips and bobs her head, it's hilarious. I've decided that my kid doesn't have an attitude... She has an Auttitude.

It's one of a kind.

It's Holiday Time!

Wow - catching up on a few weeks worth of *awesome* from my kiddo... We're hanging in Florida with my family now...it's been a pretty good few days! Yesterday, Autumn had a fabulous day - she was showered in whatever she wanted, and she was super good for us, too! I had a few shoots to do around town, and she was a total angel the entire time. We bought her a princess necklace at the Bippiti Boppiti Boutique in Downtown Disney - she said it gave her good luck. When I suggested she nap on the way home, she happily said, "Ok! Just let me put this down and I will close my eyes." She promptly fell asleep.

First. Time. EVER. In five years!!! That my kid has ever agreed to a nap!!

Autumn also received a phone call from Santa - you know, the Internet brand of Santa with a pre-recorded, but personalized message. Obviously, my husband rigged this one up. Definitely the reason why Santa informed Autumn that she would like a honey badger for Christmas, and why Santa asked for Autumn to leave him some steak (in lieu of cookies, I suppose). Autumn was shocked and giddy. It's the little things, really...although, now she does say, "Honey badger don't care!" If I do say so myself, it is pretty epic.

What other little gems do I have? At dinner last night, I jokingly said, "Are you gonna write your number on that receipt?" when Autumn grabbed it. She wrote, "TTYL" instead. Why does my five year old know what this means??

We are headed to Wonderworks in Orlando today - should be a good time. :)

The Dog Constellation

4:00am. That's when we left town.

5:00am. The approximate time that Autumn announced she saw constellations. Isn't it a little early for anyone to be checking out constellations? Especially when you've been up since 3:00am, and the kid's been up since approximately 3:45am?

It's ok - I played along. I asked Autumn, "What constellation do you see?" figuring that she would tell me she just saw stars.

To my surprise, she said, "It kinda looks like a dog."

I whipped out my Google Sky Map to see what kind of deciphering of the stars she was doing. I mean, she couldn't possibly see a dog, right?

Wrong.

Perhaps I should give my kiddo more credit. Canus Major right where she pointed. *I* can't even figure out the constellations...but I guess the eyes of a child see things differently. I am pretty proud of her. :)

Stating the Obvious

Autumn informed me today that the reason why I work is to be able to buy her stuff. She said, "It's so you can make money to buy things for me!" I told her that while it was mostly true, I earned money for other things, too - bills, food, fun things...

Our discussion about money and the cost of things ended when Autumn stated, "Everything costs money. Except hugs, kisses, and free stuff!"

Yep. Except free stuff.

Another Autumnism

While painting a vase: "...unstable prototypes..."

The Spirit of Giving

Last week, Autumn came to me one morning and announced she wanted to bring cans of food to school. Upon questioning her, I found out that her elementary school is having a canned food drive. She didn't really know what a canned food drive was. When I explained it to her, she said, "Oh, then I definitely want to bring cans in." It's always surprising -- pleasantly surprising -- how generous this kid is, especially considering that she's an only child and quite honestly, spoiled beyond comprehension. But she's not entitled, or selfish. I think that means all of the adult parental figures are doing something right.

Anyway, she brought a can of ravioli, a can of vegetables, and a can of ... coconut milk! The effort was there. I asked her to put the coconut milk back, as many people probably wouldn't use it. She opted for baby corn instead. Think fried rice, stir-fry baby corn. I decided this was better than coconut milk.

Moving on to yesterday, we encountered the Salvation Army ringing their bells for change at Hobby Lobby. Autumn had just fallen asleep in the car, and we woke her up to go get some Christmas presents/projects for her to work on. She did *not* want to get out of the car. So we used the Salvation Army as a way to get a move on - handed her some change, and said, "They're ringing the bell so you can put the change in the bucket!"

On the way to the bucket, she looked at me and said, "But they aren't going to *give* me anything back!" Well, there goes my theory about her being unselfish, haha. Thinking quickly, I said, "Well, Goodwill and the canned food drive didn't give you anything back, either. You're helping other people, that's what you get back." She shut up, put the money in the bucket, and moved on as if her comment never happened... Interesting.

'Tis the season!

Thoughts from a Five Year Old...

"When everybody dies in the world, will the days still exist?"

Points to ponder...

Say What??

I ate lunch with Autumn at school today. During lunch, Autumn looked at me and said, "Beertits."

I asked her what that meant, but she said she didn't know. I don't really know, either.

Edited to add - after much questioning, we have determined that "beertits" is actually "deer ticks." I'm still not really sure why Autumn was talking about deer ticks, though.

The Fudgesicle Incident

*Who* has incidents with Fudgesicles? I'm not actually sure if the incident was more with me, or with Autumn.

On Monday, Autumn came home from school just absolutely beside herself because she got ice cream at lunch. She excitedly detailed her lunchtime for me, saying she had ice cream, it was chocolate, she didn't eat all of it, but she did eat part of her sandwich and her carrots. Wrote it off as a good lunch like any mom would, right? I was especially happy that she ate some of her normal lunch. Given her penchant for the jibber-jabbering and having leftovers at lunch because she's too busy running her mouth with her kindergarten friends, I was absolutely willing to take it!

Tuesday morning, as we're about to leave, I was packing her lunch in her backpack and found a leaking Ziploc bag full of brown liquidy nastiness.

Do you see where this is going?

It was the Fudgesicle. Remember - she didn't eat all of it? Yep, she saved it.

Let me repeat that for you - my child *saved* her *Fudgesicle* by putting it in her backpack.

It smelled rancid. Autumn learned an important lesson on Tuesday morning: we do not save ice cream, especially not in a Ziploc or backpack. Eat it, or toss the leftovers.

I'm still snickering about it. I mean, really - *who* does that?!

Thoughts on the Nativity Scene

Is it too early for our Christmas tree to be up???

That's too bad if it is - we already did it. We'll be out of town for all of Thanksgiving (normally when we would put our tree up), and we'll be out of town for the week of Christmas - I decided we might as well enjoy two months of the holiday season instead of three weeks.

Wal-Mart has all of its Christmas items out already, so I thought we'd be able to find ornament hangers there. (I didn't.) As we were walking through the Christmas section, Autumn happened upon a Nativity scene. She asked curiously, "What's that?"

I explained to her that it was called a Nativity Scene - she said it back to me, and I have to admit I was kind of glad she said it correctly. I grew up calling it an "activity scene." ... I digress.

Anyway, she wanted to know what it was. I told her that it was little statues showing Jesus' birth. I didn't get into details, just a simple explanation. I was sure it would elicit questions, but she only had one thing to say...

"He looks like a girl."

Well, then!

The Honesty of a Child

As we were leaving the grocery store, Autumn noticed a rather fluffy woman walking into the store, wearing some type of cotton-blend pants. They may or may not have been a little too short, like high-waters, but that's beside the point. I knew Autumn was watching her butt jiggle - she's five, and enjoys bathroom humor. I wouldn't expect anything less from her. As the woman walked to the entrance, Autumn stated very plainly, "It's like her pants are dancing."

I lost it.

Thankfully, we were already in the car. With the windows closed. That was a close one!

Love.

Don't lie - when you were a kid, you opened the freezer doors at the grocery store, waited for them to fog up, and then you drew stuff in them, didn't you?

I used to. And now Autumn does, too. Imagine my surprise, though, when she drew a butt...and poop. She cackled maniacally, and moved on to the next. I would have disciplined her for being so... well... inappropriate... but I was laughing, too.

I'm not sure who is immature - me or her - but that kid keeps me young. That pure laughter and joyful smile - even if it comes from a butt and poop - is so worth it.

My Hopes...Crushed...

As we were walking through the produce section at the grocery store, Autumn informed me that she knew "this Germany guy." Curious, I questioned her, and she further informed me that "this Germany guy" was Sebastian Bach.

Now, I don't know what it says about me, but my mind went *immediately* toward Sebastian Bach, Skidrow lead singer. You know, the guy with the awesomely long blond hair, tight pants...crooning "18 & Life." I was beside myself - my daughter knows GOOD music! I already knew she liked Bon Jovi, and she sings Counting Crows... I knew it, she has fabulous taste in music!

I started talking to her a little about Skidrow, and almost broke into the chorus of "18 & Life" before she crushed my hopes.

"NOT that guy, Mommy. Sebastian Bach, the composer, from Germany."

My heart sank.

Dejectedly, I said... "Oh, Johann Sebastian Bach. Right." You know, the amazing genius composer guy? Yeah, that one.

I suppose I should be happy that she's learning this stuff in school... But I really was excited that [I thought] she knew Skidrow.

She's On a Roll!

It's a two-fer!

This morning, Autumn thought she saw Adele in the Kroger parking lot. I laughed.

And then, she found the Angry Birds display at Wal-Mart - and promptly threw a pig on the floor, grabbed a bird, and ca-cawwww!ed as she threw the bird at the pig.

I love this kid.

Tell Me What You Really Think...

At pre-k today, when I asked why she wasn't playing - "Musical chairs are LAME."

Her First F-Bomb

Of all of the funny things this girl has said, my absolute favorite is probably the absolute worst thing for her to say - my kid dropped an F-bomb!

We were sitting at the dinner table, and Autumn dropped her carrot on the floor. When it hit the ground, she looked at me and said, "Fuckin' fail!"

I was so stunned that I made her repeat herself - each time she did, my eyes got bigger. Not only had she said it, but she used it properly...and humorously!

Autumn Threatens

From my child: "If you don't give me a piece of candy, I'm going to crap my pants."

After I stopped laughing, I followed up with my own threat: If you crap your pants, YOU are cleaning it up.